


the earth can swallow me whole if it won't take me back to you

by quietuniverse



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angry Buck, Angst, Feels, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, a very upset Buck, eddie begins, many tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24818767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quietuniverse/pseuds/quietuniverse
Summary: Keep moving, keep moving, keep movingBuck repeated the mantra over and over as he paced the perimeter, running his hands through his hair and wiping the pouring rain from his face. Cap was briefing the crew on the latest plan to rescue Eddie from the collapsed tunnel, but Buck knew that if he stood still he would most certainly collapse.And if he collapsed, he wouldn’t be getting back up again this time.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 234





	the earth can swallow me whole if it won't take me back to you

**Author's Note:**

> I was writing something else and then this happened and I couldn't stop it and oop. Here we go. Some real "Eddie Begins" feels ahead.

_Keep moving, keep moving, keep moving_  
  
Buck repeated the mantra over and over as he paced the perimeter, running his hands through his hair and wiping the pouring rain from his face. Cap was briefing the crew on the latest plan to rescue Eddie from the collapsed tunnel, but Buck knew that if he stood still he would most certainly collapse.  
  
And if he collapsed, he wouldn’t be getting back up again this time. 

He was a firefighter, and life or death situations were his specialty. It was a hazard of the job, one that he had become accustomed to by now. But this, _this was different_. All of his mental reserves, the ones that kept his hands steady and his mind calm when shit hit the fan, had collapsed in one fell swoop. They were washed away in the torrential downpour. Washed away, like Eddie’s chances of surviving this.

_EddieEddieEddieEddieEddie_

Buck had half a mind to ask Bobby if the lightning strike had hit him, too. Because when the tunnel collapsed, he felt all of the air leave his lungs, replaced with a white hot heat that tore across his chest with no remorse. And it burned, it burned so badly. His throat was on fire as he screamed Eddie’s name, but he needed him to know that he was still there. That he wasn’t giving up on him.

He stomped across the muddy field. He was so angry. The reasonable part of his mind gently reminded him that this was nobody’s fault, but he didn't care. He had to feel anger. Because if he didn’t, all that would be left was pain. Pain and loss and the goddamn miserable empty space where Eddie was supposed to be. 

He was mad at Hen, for not letting him be the one to go down after Eddie. For reading him like a fucking book, plain as day for all to see, knowing damn well that Buck would have died before coming back up without Eddie.

He was mad at Chimney, for bringing the kid back up but not his best friend. He was being ridiculous, because of course that’s what happened, it was protocol. And they wouldn’t have been able to bring them all up together regardless. But he was furious anyway, because it was too dangerous to let himself feel anything else.

He was mad at Bobby, for looking directly at him when the team was informed of Eddie’s chances of survival. For looking directly through him, refusing to let him continue frantically dragging a ragged, pathetic tarp over his feelings that constantly threatened to bleed over on a regular basis. For pulling him out of the mud, away from where the tunnel had been. For not letting him sink down there, too. Because in that moment, Buck had been ready to let the Earth swallow him whole.

He was mad at himself, for being so stupid and stubborn. For being such a coward. Too afraid to tell Eddie how he felt all this time. Weakly laughing off every close call that their dangerous lives handed to them, resolutely telling himself, “Next time. Next time I’ll tell him.”

There wasn’t going to be a next time.  
  
And Christopher...how was he going to tell Christopher? Because nobody else was going to look that kid in the eyes and tell him. That was Buck’s job, because he loved Christopher’s father with every fiber of his being, every ounce of blood in his heart, and every last breath in his lungs. He would hold Christopher through the tears, through the screaming, through the yelling, through the pain. They would get through it together. They had to.

Something snapped inside of Buck. He felt a dizzying sensation as he began to wobble on his feet, and he weakly laughed as he imagined Eddie inside of him, cutting that last cord of hope, too. He felt to his knees, hands sinking into the wet grass. Buck clawed at the ground—the dirt collecting under his fingernails, the cuts on his hands stinging to remind him he was still alive yet—and let out a desperate cry of frustration. His yelling turned to sobs, heavy sobs, as he fell forward. His face burned as his wet, hot tears fought against the cold raindrops plummeting from above. 

He knew he should be out there, helping the rest of the team continue in their efforts to rescue Eddie. Yet, despite all of his foolish tendencies, Buck wasn’t stupid. He knew their false hope was on his behalf, because they knew he would never forgive them if they didn’t try. It was his job to give people hope, after all. But hope wasn’t going to bring Eddie back this time. 

_Eddie._  
  
Buck slowly sat up, resting on his knees, and tilted his head back to let the rain wash away the mud and tears from his face. He wondered if it was possible to drown like this, if the skies could wash him away, too. 

“Buck?”  
  
Buck laughed to himself, because he was never going to get out of this night alive if he had already started hearing Eddie’s voice echoing in his head. He needed to be strong and grounded to weather this storm.

“Buck, is that you?”

Wiping the rain from his face with his sleeve, Buck squinted into the darkness. He was probably already losing his mind at this point, but he swore he saw a shape stumbling toward him from the small body of water just ahead.

“Eddie?”

Heart racing, Buck stumbled to his feet. He tripped, tumbling forward, and wildly scrambled to regain his footing on the wet ground below. He half crawled, half ran, like a wild, crazed animal, toward the man that was limping and stumbling in his direction. They collapsed into one another, arms in a tight embrace as they fell back to the ground together. Mud and rain mixed with the salty taste of tears in Buck’s mouth as he tried to pull Eddie impossibly closer to him, as one of his hands came to rest over his heart, because he still needed further proof that Eddie was indeed alive. Buck felt the other man begin to shake, and he immediately began to pull back to remove his jacket, but he soon realized that Eddie wasn’t shivering—he was crying. 

Bringing his hands up to cup Eddie’s face, Buck rested their foreheads together. Eddie’s trembling hands held Buck tight around the wrists, refusing to let go. And when he finally spoke again, he sounded positively wrecked.

“Buck. I didn’t think...I was so scared...I’m-”

“I love you, Eddie,” Buck’s voice cracked as he spoke. Threatened to bust open like a dam, ready to say the words over and over till his throat was raw and his voice was gone. 

Eddie choked back a sob as he slipped both of his hands into Buck’s and threaded their fingers together. He looked down at where they were joined, and then back up into Buck’s eyes, eyes that were now shining with tears, with hope, with love. 

He leaned in and whispered into the meager space between their mouths, “I love you, too, Evan.”  
  
Buck closed the gap between one breath and the next, enveloping Eddie’s lips with his own. Eddie kissed him like he was the very air that he breathed, like Buck was the only thing keeping him tethered from falling into the darkness once more. Like he needed Buck just as badly as he needed him. 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry not sorry for the angst and the feels. I couldn't help myself. 
> 
> Also I appreciate every single 'kudos' click and EVERY comment, they keep me going.


End file.
